Sunday, December 9, 2012

Movie Ideas #13

  • Untitled Ice Road Truckers Kids Movie: Benny, on a disasterous trip to find Santa Clause, is saved by one magical ice road trucker trying to get his shipment of baby butt wipes to the Yukon.
  • The Origin Of Stan: Following the work of his great great grandfather, Stan Darwin uses laborious genetics research to evolve himself a bigger penis.
  • No Regrets: When his father becomes sick, a young man has to choose between running the family’s movie studio or following his dream of becoming a fry cook.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
EnerGel NeedleTip 7.0
Boy, if a medieval scribe had my EnerGel NeedleTip 7.0 pen, he would copy those scrolls so fast that the other scribes would really respect him. But those ink cartridges don’t last so long so he would probably only finish about half a scroll before it runs out. I guess I could travel back in time again and give him a new one, but if all he’s got to barter are some brown robes and a wooden flute he carved, then fuck him. Those pens ain’t cheap, y’know?

EnerGel NeedleTip 7.0

Boy, if a medieval scribe had my EnerGel NeedleTip 7.0 pen, he would copy those scrolls so fast that the other scribes would really respect him. But those ink cartridges don’t last so long so he would probably only finish about half a scroll before it runs out. I guess I could travel back in time again and give him a new one, but if all he’s got to barter are some brown robes and a wooden flute he carved, then fuck him. Those pens ain’t cheap, y’know?

Saturday, November 10, 2012
Youth-Oriented Marketing
Stop cancer once and for all with this awareness raising (in a big picture sort of way) ‘I Heart Boobies’ wristband! It will surely have big breasted females and males alike saying “Damn, I want to check my breasts for cancerous lumps.” Fresh!Chicks ‘dig’ a guy whose awareness of cancer is related to whether or not uninhibited malignant tumor growth is attached to a rockin’ pair of hooters that make any guy gawk and howl, “Damn, I want you to not die so I can see those thang thangs go womp womp womp when you walk.” Out-of-sight!Breast cancer is no joke. Did you know 100% of women have breasts? And all of those breasts could easily be infected by cancer, unless we act fast and buy now. Heart a boobie today!Similar Items‘Don’t Drink And Drive, You’ll Spill Your Beer’ Bumper StickerMaking A Duck Face“The Grapes of Wrath” By John Steinbeck

Youth-Oriented Marketing

Stop cancer once and for all with this awareness raising (in a big picture sort of way) ‘I Heart Boobies’ wristband! It will surely have big breasted females and males alike saying “Damn, I want to check my breasts for cancerous lumps.” Fresh!
Chicks ‘dig’ a guy whose awareness of cancer is related to whether or not uninhibited malignant tumor growth is attached to a rockin’ pair of hooters that make any guy gawk and howl, “Damn, I want you to not die so I can see those thang thangs go womp womp womp when you walk.” Out-of-sight!
Breast cancer is no joke. Did you know 100% of women have breasts? And all of those breasts could easily be infected by cancer, unless we act fast and buy now. Heart a boobie today!

Similar Items
‘Don’t Drink And Drive, You’ll Spill Your Beer’ Bumper Sticker
Making A Duck Face
“The Grapes of Wrath” By John Steinbeck

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Movie Ideas #12

  • Buzzkill: A guy named Buzz kills people, insects, and various wildlife.
  • The Long Weave: A disillusioned rug salesman wonders if there's more to life than boring, old rugs. He is depressed. That is, until he discovers the existence of Persian rugs.
  • Charles: A biopic about Charles Darwin and his quest to evolutionize himself a larger wang.
Monday, October 22, 2012

Whoever wrote this really has an axe to grind. They carved their message onto the desk but the blade was so dull that I can’t read shit.

Saturday, October 13, 2012
Mr. President
When I shook the President of the United States’s hand that cold Saturday morning, I wondered if the president, like me, holds his balls while he is sleeping and if I had, in a way, cupped the leader of the free world’s nuts. I told my grand kids that story and they didn’t like it.

Mr. President

When I shook the President of the United States’s hand that cold Saturday morning, I wondered if the president, like me, holds his balls while he is sleeping and if I had, in a way, cupped the leader of the free world’s nuts. I told my grand kids that story and they didn’t like it.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Movie Ideas #11

  • Fouling Out: An estranged father tries to reconnect with his troublemaker son by using basketball to teach life lessons, like avoiding gang life through a solid mid-range game and how to tell a girl you like her by unleashing a sick crossover.
  • Big Girl: This is about a girl with a thyroid disorder and, boy, is she big!
  • The Secret World Of Tyler Benton: Every evening, 9-year-old orphan Tyler Benton escapes into the world of internet porn.
Sunday, October 7, 2012

For sale: baby shoes, never worn. Also for sale, baby carcass.

Interview Questions
Tell us about yourself.
Do you have a college degree?
Mother always said I should go to college, but I never lived up to her expectations. I started a successful business, Petro’s Pizza Palace, but she didn’t care. Idiot Petro, you’re an idiot, she would say, you’re nothing but a pizza farmer. But now she’s dead. Is your mother dead?
Why is US Representative Earl Blumenauer a disgrace to the humble state of Oregon?
If you were US Representative Earl Blumenauer, eating at Petro’s Pizza Palace, would you be too much of a hot-shot to get your picture taken for the Spicy Marinara Hall Of Fame? Even after I explained how proud Mother would be in heaven if she knew I made a famous guy pizza?
Do you have experience using Adobe Photoshop?
If we gave you a photo of US Representative Earl Blumenauer, would you be able to make it look like fecal matter is dribbling from his mouth?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Can you see yourself serving Earl Blumenauer a plate of cheesy sticks filled with razor blades?
Do you think Mother talks about me a lot with her angel friends?
Oh, here’s a fun one: How would you weigh an elephant without a scale?
Do you have any questions for me?

Interview Questions

Tell us about yourself.

Do you have a college degree?

Mother always said I should go to college, but I never lived up to her expectations. I started a successful business, Petro’s Pizza Palace, but she didn’t care. Idiot Petro, you’re an idiot, she would say, you’re nothing but a pizza farmer. But now she’s dead. Is your mother dead?

Why is US Representative Earl Blumenauer a disgrace to the humble state of Oregon?

If you were US Representative Earl Blumenauer, eating at Petro’s Pizza Palace, would you be too much of a hot-shot to get your picture taken for the Spicy Marinara Hall Of Fame? Even after I explained how proud Mother would be in heaven if she knew I made a famous guy pizza?

Do you have experience using Adobe Photoshop?

If we gave you a photo of US Representative Earl Blumenauer, would you be able to make it look like fecal matter is dribbling from his mouth?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Can you see yourself serving Earl Blumenauer a plate of cheesy sticks filled with razor blades?

Do you think Mother talks about me a lot with her angel friends?

Oh, here’s a fun one: How would you weigh an elephant without a scale?

Do you have any questions for me?

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Movie Ideas #10

  • The Crab Caretaker: Goodlooking volunteer firefighter Matt Richards can’t seem to land a girlfriend after he reveals to them he has crabs--in a fish tank! He also has untreatable genital warts.
  • Spilled Milk: Famous celebrities detail their favorite milk spilling techniques. The world’s professional milk spillers discuss how they learned the craft of knocking over glasses, pitchers, and other containers filled with delicious cow nectar.
  • Noah Sparber: This guy goes to my school. Follow him with a camera. Bet he does sneaky shit at night.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I want my children to grow on a planet without war, a planet without prejudice, a planet called Zorp. Excerpt from Jack Welch’s autobiography
Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Movie Ideas #9

  • Love Is A Four Letter Word: A no-nonsense teacher encourages her students in learning how to count.
  • The Mysterious Life Of Max Harris: Family members and coworkers of Max Harris are unaware that he is an accomplished Magic The Gathering player.
  • Annie Hall 2: The same thing as Annie Hall except Woody Allen’s character is now a neurotic muscular retard.
Monday, September 17, 2012
I can’t imagine a world without war because I got into a car accident and the part of my brain that imagines stuff got smooshed. Excerpt from Jack Welch’s autobiography
Thursday, September 13, 2012

Movie Ideas #8

  • Childhood Cherry: On the verge of death, a man remembers his life and how it was influenced heavily by this one cancer-inducing cherry that he ate off the ground without even washing it.
  • Suitcase Full Of Lies: A no-nonsense businessman carries a briefcase for work, yes, but carries a second secret briefcase full of index cards with straight-up wrong facts.
  • The Green Freak: A nerd gets a handjob from a prostitute that’s wearing Hulk Hands.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Growing up, I thought my dad was invincible, but, after he had that stroke, he just looked so weak and frail. It’s scary to think that if one little stroke can do that to him, just imagine what I can do with a hammer. Excerpt from Jack Welch’s autobiography